Worst Ever Hockey Cards #11

Worst Ever Hockey Cards #11

#316 - Patrick Roy (Chippy's Checklist)
97-98 Collector's Choice

Yeah, this card was more fun than a barrel full of monkeys until I used it as a dart board and then stuck it in my bicycle spokes. I don't understand why any company would encourage people to keep their cards in good shape. They should make it as hard as possible for people to keep their cards in mint condition so that those collectors who are really anal about their cards can at least be have something of value to show for their lack of a soul. Topps got it right with the scratch off names in their 80-81 set. Next year, I'd like to see a set that has a scratch and win on every card and gum back in packs of O-Pee-Chee.

Parkhurst Santa Claus!

Worst Ever Hockey Card Set #9
No# - Santa Claus
91-92 Parkurst

Even Santa thought Pro-Set cards were crap. I can understand why he'd throw away that 90-91 Pro-Set hockey card, but why is he getting rid of the Vanilla Ice rookie card?

The back of the card is a bit of a bummer.

Hockey Card of the Day #24

#231 - Dennis Kearns

71-72 O-Pee-Chee
(back)

He may look like a midget with a beer gut, but look closely at the marks on his neck and his self-satisfied grin-- the ladies loved him.

Worst Ever Hockey Cards #9

Worst Ever Hockey Card Set #9
#13 - Markus Naslund
91-92 Classic Four-Sport

Classic knew how to squeeze every penny out of the trading card fad of the early-90's. This card from Classic's 91-92 Four-Sport set features the exact same photo as Naslund's card in Classic's Draft Pick set from the same year. The big difference between the two cards is the horrible marble border they slapped on the Four-Spot card, which is one of the worst I've ever seen on any card. The back of the Four-Sport card is like an uglier version of the Draft Pick card as well, with an near identical design, but without the photo and, for some reason, only with two of the four sentences that its counterpart has.

The Four-Sport set was called that because it was where Classic combined all the draft picks from the big four North American sports into one easy to collect set. The only problem is that the fifty hockey cards included in the Four-Sport set were the same as their previously released draft pick set. I haven't seen the rest of the set, but I can only guess the other 49 hockey cards also have the same photos as the ones in the draft pick set. It's unfortunate, but Classic probably didn't have too many problems finding suckers to invest in a near identical draft set.

The Naslund card above was the cheapest hockey card for sale on checkoutmycards.com, so it has proven to have been a very good investment (just click on the google ad about selling your cards for $0.20 and I'll earn back the three cents I spent on the card).

Teemu Selanne Bobbing Head

#BH15 - Teemu Selanne

98-99 Collector's Choice Bobbing Head
(back)

Bobble heads don't float my boat, but I definitely appreciate cards that have to be destroyed to be enjoyed. Cards like these are a nice little 'fuck you' to what is really a stupid hobby where value is based on how sharp a card's corners are (as well as artificial demand created by the extremely limited production runs of cards like the ugly Sidney Crosby rookie card in this article).

I'm happy to say that this Selanne bobble head card just went up in value by as much as 3/100000ths of a cent because here's what it looks like when it's all put together-- kind of pathetic. Maybe if a few thousand more people pull their Selanne bobble cards out of their industrial strength protective plastic cases, in a few decades it might be worth something.

Worst Ever Hockey Cards #8

Worst Ever Hockey Card Set #8

#18 - Felix Potvin
01-02 Pacific Adrenaline - Power Play

Pacific's other insert sets featured players eating chicken mcnuggets and flaccid old-timers with boxes of viagra.

Eric Lindros Baseball

#100T - Eric Lindros
1990 Score Rookie & Traded (Baseball)
(back)

If I was the Quebec Nordiques' manager back in 1991, I'd have sent him to the Toronto Blue Jays for Pat Borders and Joe Carter in a second.

Wayne Van Dorp

#527 - Wayne Van Dorp

90-91 O-Pee-Chee
(back)

The local paper usually sits in the rain for a few days in front of my house before someone moves it, but today while I was stepping over it, Wayne Van Dorp's name caught my eye. I've always liked his 90-91 O-Pee-Chee card; the back is one of the best I've seen on any hockey card, it has a typo and talks about a pre-game blowup with Basil McRae. I thought Wayne Van Dorp had dropped off the face of the earth, but apparently he plays pick-up hockey with other retired pros at the same rink that I play at. They had this nice photo of Wayne.

95-96 Collector's Choice - You Crash the Game

I remember these inserts being really exciting back when they first came out. If the player scored on the date listed on the front of the card, you could send it in (with $3 postage) and get the full 30 card You Crash the Game redemption set. The set had the same photos and design as the cards you sent in, but instead of the ugly purple and teal border, the redemption cards had either silver or gold foil bars that said "Silver Set" or "Gold Set" really large so that you knew what colour it was. In addition to the 30 card set, you got two bonus cards which were the same as the regular card, except the background was tinted gold and the bar on the left side of the card said "Bonus Card" so that you knew that it was not part of the regular set.

The backs of the cards were a little different, the redemption cards (the ones you sent in) just had the contest rules and skill-testing question, while the redemption set (the cards you got back) had a very poorly thought out double spaced blurb about the player. The silver, gold, and bonus cards all had the exact same backs.

I probably should have just kept the winning cards I pulled from the packs and saved myself the postage; the full 30 card You Crash the Game Set recently did not get a single bid at $3.99 on eBay.

Wayne Gretzky Rookie

#18 - Wayne Gretzky

79-80 O-Pee-Chee

Dented, creased, stained, torn and taped. The most badass Gretzky rookie card you will ever find.

Canucks We're With You

Don Cook
Canucks We're With You (1975)
Listen!

The Canucks' 86 points wouldn't have put them any higher than third place in any other division, but it was good enough to earn them their first Smythe Division championship and a bye to the second round. Although they were beaten by Montreal in five games, the team's first division championship and playoff appearance earned them this fine two-verse masterpiece by Don Cook released by Paperback records, who, three years later, also released the Vancouver Whitecaps soccer team's single, White is the Colour.

Hockey Card of the Day #20

#6 - Esa Tikkanen
91-92 Topps Team Scoring Leaders
(back)

Topps was always second banana to O-Pee-Chee when it came to hockey cards, but I will give them credit for being a very close second banana with their 91-92 insert cards. O-Pee-Chee's Sharks & Russians inserts featured some rad cards of the Central Red Army, Dynamo Moscow, and Khimik teams, as well as players from the expansion San Jose Sharks, while Topps' team scoring leaders featured players people had heard of, as well as a nice design that includes a hockey stick. It's tough to pick a favourite of the two, but O-Pee-Chee is tops again because you can't beat the hammer and sickle on a simple two-colour back.

Hockey Card of the Day #19

#55 - Jerry Toppazzini
1992 Ultimate Original 6
(back)

There are solutions.

Hockey Card of the Day #18

No# - Teemu Selanne
96-97 Bicycle NHL Aces Playing Cards
(back)

It's bad enough that the Mighty Ducks were named after a cheesy Disney movie, but they really hit rock bottom in 95-96 when their third jersey was an ABC television logo away from being an ad for the Saturday morning Mighty Ducks cartoon.

The Mighty Ducks cartoon had nothing on Pro-Stars.

Hockey Card of the Day #17

#90 - Bobby Hull
1992 Ultimate Original 6
(back)

Someday I will have an art show featuring all these awful hockey paintings.

Worst Ever Hockey Cards #7

Worst Ever Hockey Card Set #7
#66 - Sid Abel
1992 Ultimate Original 6
(back)

Let's be honest, no one wants to look at pictures of old people. Most of the other cards in the set show the players in their prime, but I guess they couldn't find a photo of 'Alzheimer' Abel from his playing days.

Hockey Card of the Day #16

#299 - Norm Maciver (Team Point Leader)

93-94 Upper Deck

This is the saddest team leader card I've ever seen. I think it would have been nicer if Upper Deck had just listed the team's most inspirational player, or most improved player rather than showing that the team's plus/minus leader was a minus-16 and the team's wins leader had just eight of them.